But Who’s Counting?

It has been five months since my first blog post “Everyone is Pregnant But Me,” and for some reason I thought it was much longer. Honestly, I thought it has been closer to a year since I started writing my feelings in this blog. I don’t know why I thought it was that long or why I felt the need to start this post with that but I think it has a lot to do with where I am at right now.

It’s only been five months since I first started sharing with you.

It has been a long five months of sharing with you.

Truthfully, five months has felt like five years some days… but who’s counting?

Today, five months after my first blog post, I could simply title this “Everyone is a Mom But Me.” Because God is so good, He has turned all those pregnancies I wrote about in my first post into motherhood. Those who were pregnant five months ago, are now tired, sleepless, yet wonderful moms.

Also, some of you who were not pregnant five months ago, are now pregnant so I guess I could call this post “Everyone is a Mom or Pregnant But Me.” (wow, that is a mouth full)

But the truth is, not everyone is a mom. Not everyone is pregnant either.

This blog post could easily turn into a “poor me” article but I refuse to let it go there.

I am simply saying the words out loud as I type them, I AM NOT A MOM AND I AM NOT PREGNANT.

Whew, that felt good to say out loud. And I didn’t even tear up! Weird, five months ago I don’t think I could have said it without crying.

In addition, I feel good in knowing that this is my life right now. I know that in the last five months, God has used me in ways I never thought possible. I never thought my words could be articulated in a story of hope that would provide comfort for someone else.

I have a sense of peace because I know that I am not (physically) alone in this journey. Though many days it feels like I am the only one who is not a mom and sometimes I feel like I am the only one who cannot get pregnant, I know that is not true. The truth is, there is a community of women out there asking the same questions and crying to God in the same way I have.

But, this is where I will get real with you.

It still isn’t easy.

I still get jealous when a friend announces their pregnancy. I still feel uncomfortable when friends talk about their mommy problems. I still feel like I am the only one in the room who hasn’t received an answer to prayers. And I still feel like I am getting left behind.

When I feel jealous, sad, heartbroken, alone, or hopeless… I still freeze up. I still don’t know how to talk about it and I still don’t know how to be a part of the crowd without being the “elephant in the room.”

But please don’t misinterpret my words because through all the emotions… I am still okay. I am still happy for the miracle you have been blessed with and I still love being with my mommy friends.

I still have hope because I know God is using me during this time.

God is using my writing to provide a community to those who feel alone on this journey. God is using my wisdom to poor into the lives of the next generation. God is using my marriage to be an example of what true love is when you first seek Him and not each other.

And God is using my story as a testament of His unending love because He is the only one getting me through this.

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called- Ephesians 4:1

You Choose.

I am on day 19 of the New Year, New Me bandwagon and I am feeling good. The first couple weeks weren’t easy but I feel great today and I have felt great for the past few days!

During these 19 days, I have come to realize that a healthy lifestyle is only a matter of what I choose to do. It is simply a state of mind. What will I eat for breakfast? Should I go out to lunch today? Do I have time to exercise?

These are some of the choices I make every day. And truthfully, these are decisions only I make. No one can stop me from going to gym but myself… no one forces me to eat the cupcake, I choose to not eat the cupcake. 

Lucky for me, the choices do not stop there.

We visited the specialist on Wednesday and more choices were revealed. We can pursue a few more rounds of IUI under the specialist care, consider IVF, run a few more tests, wait it out a little longer, do more bloodwork, and maybe we will have some answers… maybe not.

The resources, time span, success rate… all things to consider before we choose a route to take.

Ugh, I hate making choices!

Why is it so hard to choose? Can someone just decide for us? I wish the doctor would tell me what to do, no options given, just make it black and white.

I wake up most days deciding if I will have a good day or not… why do I do that? Many days I say to myself, “ughhh I don’t want to go to work or I don’t want to go to the appointment today, gosh this is gonna be a stinky day.”  Why is it easy to go ahead and assume the worse? Honestly, I am already assuming the worse when it comes to deciding how to fix my current problems.

My husband said something to me I will never forget. “Make a great day!” hmm… MAKE a great day? That’s something I never considered.

He is right, it is up to me to MAKE a great day; the day doesn’t choose to be great and that is perspective I never had until recently.

Which brings me to today… I am making a great day and sharing with you the many choices that come with the journey of infertility.

What I am afraid of most is making the wrong choice. Putting our time, energy, and resources into a particular option and it ends in a negative result… That would mean I made the wrong choice, right?

The truth is, there is no wrong choice.

There is no wrong choice because I believe that God has sent me on this journey and every procedure, bloodwork, or decision that is made is all a part of his plan. I will be honest, it isn’t easy accepting that this is his plan. It isn’t easy making these choices, especially when it comes to my timeline, my expectations, my desires, and what I thought was my purpose in life.

I thought my purpose in life was to be a wife and a mom.

Wife- check.
Mom- I have no clue.

And maybe that’s the root of it all… understanding my purpose. Not only in this season, but in general… what is my purpose?

Do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice in such as you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.      – 1 Peter 4:12-13

P.S. If you are looking for a feel good, encouraging hour… listen to Chatologie, a podcast by my friend, Angie Elkins! I had the opportunity to share my journey of infertility on her latest broadcast and I would love for you listen and hear more of our story! You can search it on iTunes or visit her website at http://www.chatologie.com/

Five Reasons I am Thankful During This Season

I think many of you are in the same boat as me… the boat that feels like it is sinking because of the five pounds gained after the Thanksgiving feast we all delighted in yesterday and probably even again today. (hehe) I’m not sure if it is the calories gained or the time with family, but there is just something about sharing what we are thankful for that reminds me of how good our God is.

Though it is easy to think of what all is missing in my life during this time, I have to stop and think how blessed I really am.

Disclaimer: I’ve already shared with you how wonderful my husband is, so it is implied that I am super thankful for him and therefore he is not included on the list of five.

1. My Friends and Family (duh). I list them together because there are friends who are family and I cannot differentiate the two in my heart honestly. My sweet mom who texts me daily to check up on me, my in laws who have sat in the waiting room at multiple doctor appointments, our siblings and their spouses who have cried with us, the lifelong and new friends who continually love on us. Near and far, I am overwhelmed by the love, prayers, and encouragement expressed via email, text, phone call, and Facebook message from the friends and family in my life.

2. My Job. Yes, I am thankful for my job during this trying time. In addition to the health benefits provided by my employer, I feel blessed to be working for a team of leadership who truly cares for me and all things relevant to my life. With impromptu doctors appointments and blood work done often, having a job that understands the circumstances I am living and allows me to take the time needed to take care of my health means more than they will know. Truthfully, my boss and coworkers share the grief of my treatment the most… coming into the office just after an appointment or getting a phone call with bad news during the work day, they see the sadness in my face and the heartache more than anyone. Having a place to go to where I can throw all my attention into the next project or event is an opportunity to not think about the current bad news and I am so thankful for that.

3. My Mentor. She probably doesn’t know she is my “mentor” but I call her that because she really provides more counsel than anyone I know. When my husband asked me to talk with his coworker who has been fighting the same battle of infertility as me, (except for way longer), I was hesitant to meet her. But today, I am thankful for the few conversations we have had and the endless amount of wisdom she provides. Having someone to talk to about what I am feeling who has actually felt the same thing, is such a blessing. She reminds me that I AM NOT CRAZY when the hormones are too much, and she provides comfort when I need it the most.

4. My Doctor. Dr. T wasn’t the first doctor I saw when I began treatment. She was filling in for my first doctor during her maternity leave and I admired how much Dr. T loved her job and helping women like myself. When given the opportunity to choose a doctor to continue treatment, there was no question in my mind, I would continue with Dr. T. Dr. T takes my health personally, I feel as though she suffers the pain with me every time a procedure doesn’t work. She always goes above and beyond to accommodate my cycle schedule, scheduling my appointments on any day of the week and coming in any time. She calls and texts me often, always checking up on me and taking it upon herself to see how I am doing.

5. My God. I saved the best for last because I know that I wouldn’t have numbers 1-4 without My God. The list is endless when I think of reasons why I am thankful for Him, but in short, it is because he has chosen ME to be His, to be the one who follows Him in the journey, and I am thankful that He will provide no matter what the circumstances are. 

And so, five reasons why I am thankful during this time of my life.

As I reflect on the list above I notice they aren’t really “reasons” to be thankful, but PEOPLE I am thankful for. If you are reading this, it means I am thankful for YOU. Friends, family, bosses, coworkers, mentors, doctors, I am thankful for you! You are the reason many of us who are facing the storm can see the rainbow because He has provided YOU.

“give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”          -1 Thessalonians 5:18