“Are You Getting All This?”

I remember the first call I received with results from the blood work I had done the week prior. The nurse left a voicemail, “Hi Catherine, I wanted to let you know that we received the results to your blood work and the … levels are measuring …. Which is consistent with infertility so we need to schedule an infertility appointment.”

I called Seth immediately crying, “Why would she say that over voicemail?! I knew something wasn’t right! Do you think that means we can’t have our own kids? How much is this going cost? Can we afford fertility help? Does our insurance cover stuff like this? Will we have to see a specialist? Does this mean I am going to have 5 babies at once?”

A little extreme, I know.

But those were the questions running through my mind… the thoughts that have consumed me for the last 2.5 years.

Seth had little words. My husband is always so comforting to me when I am upset and all I remember him saying was “I know God has this, don’t worry babe.”

Okay, don’t worry… easier said than done.

The biggest indicator of infertility is an irregular period (ladies, write that down) and my period was all over the place. To understand your period, you must record it. You should be tracking your cycle every month, recording the cramps, the flow, and how long you are on it each month. (there are several Apps to help with this)

So, I brought my App with information to Dr. O and she immediately says “Oh… yeah honey, you have a problem!” And I was thinking, um yeah, your nurse already said that via voicemail two days ago…so uh… that’s why I am here.

She started to go on and on about what we would check first and rule out first and then check second and then continued with what medicine I would take, what days of my cycle I would take it on, what specialist she was going to send me to… I looked at Seth and gave him the look, are you getting all this?

I left that appointment confused, but hopeful. Infertility isn’t uncommon and medicine has come a long way, I am sure we will figure out what is wrong and fix it in no time. (famous last words)

I shared the details of my first appointment with friends, family, and some coworkers. I didn’t understand true vulnerability until I shared this part of me and sometimes I wish I had kept it all to myself.

Their responses would be, “Well you’re not infertile, you’re just experiencing infertilely so that’s good” and, “I know you will get pregnant in His time, just be patient.”

Weeks would go by and I would hear, “Catherine, I’ve been praying for you.”

And those words would sting the most.

I appreciate the prayers, I really do but sometimes it’s just feels like a “I’m so sorry for you” statement. I hate when people feel sorry for me, and when others feel sorry for me, it makes me feel weak.

I am supposed to be good at everything, I have it all together. Don’t you see my social media accounts? l only post the pretty pictures. My husband and I did it right, we waited until marriage so our life is perfect and we will have kids as soon as we are ready… that’s the image I want everyone to see.

I am perfect. My marriage is perfect. My health is perfect. My hair is perfect. My home is perfect. My dog is perfect. My life is perfect… that’s what I want others to see.
I don’t want prayers… prayers mean I am weak.

Weak means I am imperfect. Weak means I am not strong. Weak means I am broke. Weak means I need help. Weak means I don’t have it all together. Weak means I can’t have children when I want. Weak means I must see a specialist and weak means I am infertile.

Infertile is defined as unable to reproduce.

Infertility is the inability to conceive children or young.

His time would be whenever He is ready to allow me to conceive.

And so, I AM WEAK. I am unable to reproduce. I cannot conceive. His time is not now. I ask you to pray because  I need prayers and I need prayers because I am weak.

Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me. Psalm 138:7

Baby Blues

It’s true, I am a private person.

I don’t like when people get in my business and I definitely don’t talk about my feelings to anyone other than my husband. I don’t like sharing in groups about what’s “going on” in my life. And when someone comes up to me and asks me how I’m doing, there’s a 90% chance I’ll respond, “I’m fine”.

But the truth is, I’m not really fine right now. I’m struggling. Yes, I trust God, but it isn’t easy most days.

It’s hard to speak the words when they are so heavy in my heart. It’s difficult to talk when I am on the verge of tears all the time. My mind is running in one direction as I convince myself to look forward and not dwell on the current unfortunate news and therefore the words literally cannot come out of my mouth.

So why share my story?

That’s a good question and I’m not sure what the answer is quite yet. But I do know that ever since I started writing my story on paper, I felt this sense of relief, comfort, and peace. My hope is that my story can help someone else who is living the same sad reality as me. My prayer is this simple blog can remind other women struggling with infertility that they are not alone. My prayer is God may use this blog to remind all women that the Lord is faithful even in the difficult times.

No one talks about infertility while going through it. In fact, I bet many of you know someone who has or is currently struggling with infertility. I have come to realize that people are more willing to open up after their trial, when the pregnancy test shows two lines, when the baby name is picked out, and when they are rocking their bundle of joy to bed.

No one likes to talk about their storm when they are facing it. We like success stories. We like the happily ever after. However, I am in the storm. I’m still waiting on my baby. The trial is still ahead of me, and the journey is my present life. I want to write about and share with you the good, the bad, and the ugly as I am living through it now. This blog will be a place to read about my journey with infertility, including stories on the past few years and my current situation.

Friends, I invite you to walk this journey with me. Read my stories so you may understand what someone who is dealing with infertility is feeling. Share my stories with someone you know who is suffering from the same sadness as me so that they may find comfort in knowing they are not alone.

Pray with me. I TRUST in Him to provide and I want to celebrate with YOU as the many blessings are revealed.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. The you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and when you seek me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah 29:11