I remember the first call I received with results from the blood work I had done the week prior. The nurse left a voicemail, “Hi Catherine, I wanted to let you know that we received the results to your blood work and the … levels are measuring …. Which is consistent with infertility so we need to schedule an infertility appointment.”
I called Seth immediately crying, “Why would she say that over voicemail?! I knew something wasn’t right! Do you think that means we can’t have our own kids? How much is this going cost? Can we afford fertility help? Does our insurance cover stuff like this? Will we have to see a specialist? Does this mean I am going to have 5 babies at once?”
A little extreme, I know.
But those were the questions running through my mind… the thoughts that have consumed me for the last 2.5 years.
Seth had little words. My husband is always so comforting to me when I am upset and all I remember him saying was “I know God has this, don’t worry babe.”
Okay, don’t worry… easier said than done.
The biggest indicator of infertility is an irregular period (ladies, write that down) and my period was all over the place. To understand your period, you must record it. You should be tracking your cycle every month, recording the cramps, the flow, and how long you are on it each month. (there are several Apps to help with this)
So, I brought my App with information to Dr. O and she immediately says “Oh… yeah honey, you have a problem!” And I was thinking, um yeah, your nurse already said that via voicemail two days ago…so uh… that’s why I am here.
She started to go on and on about what we would check first and rule out first and then check second and then continued with what medicine I would take, what days of my cycle I would take it on, what specialist she was going to send me to… I looked at Seth and gave him the look, “are you getting all this?”
I left that appointment confused, but hopeful. Infertility isn’t uncommon and medicine has come a long way, I am sure we will figure out what is wrong and fix it in no time. (famous last words)
I shared the details of my first appointment with friends, family, and some coworkers. I didn’t understand true vulnerability until I shared this part of me and sometimes I wish I had kept it all to myself.
Their responses would be, “Well you’re not infertile, you’re just experiencing infertilely so that’s good” and, “I know you will get pregnant in His time, just be patient.”
Weeks would go by and I would hear, “Catherine, I’ve been praying for you.”
And those words would sting the most.
I appreciate the prayers, I really do but sometimes it’s just feels like a “I’m so sorry for you” statement. I hate when people feel sorry for me, and when others feel sorry for me, it makes me feel weak.
I am supposed to be good at everything, I have it all together. Don’t you see my social media accounts? l only post the pretty pictures. My husband and I did it right, we waited until marriage so our life is perfect and we will have kids as soon as we are ready… that’s the image I want everyone to see.
I am perfect. My marriage is perfect. My health is perfect. My hair is perfect. My home is perfect. My dog is perfect. My life is perfect… that’s what I want others to see.
I don’t want prayers… prayers mean I am weak.
Weak means I am imperfect. Weak means I am not strong. Weak means I am broke. Weak means I need help. Weak means I don’t have it all together. Weak means I can’t have children when I want. Weak means I must see a specialist and weak means I am infertile.
Infertile is defined as unable to reproduce.
Infertility is the inability to conceive children or young.
His time would be whenever He is ready to allow me to conceive.
And so, I AM WEAK. I am unable to reproduce. I cannot conceive. His time is not now. I ask you to pray because I need prayers and I need prayers because I am weak.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me. Psalm 138:7