But Who’s Counting?

It has been five months since my first blog post “Everyone is Pregnant But Me,” and for some reason I thought it was much longer. Honestly, I thought it has been closer to a year since I started writing my feelings in this blog. I don’t know why I thought it was that long or why I felt the need to start this post with that but I think it has a lot to do with where I am at right now.

It’s only been five months since I first started sharing with you.

It has been a long five months of sharing with you.

Truthfully, five months has felt like five years some days… but who’s counting?

Today, five months after my first blog post, I could simply title this “Everyone is a Mom But Me.” Because God is so good, He has turned all those pregnancies I wrote about in my first post into motherhood. Those who were pregnant five months ago, are now tired, sleepless, yet wonderful moms.

Also, some of you who were not pregnant five months ago, are now pregnant so I guess I could call this post “Everyone is a Mom or Pregnant But Me.” (wow, that is a mouth full)

But the truth is, not everyone is a mom. Not everyone is pregnant either.

This blog post could easily turn into a “poor me” article but I refuse to let it go there.

I am simply saying the words out loud as I type them, I AM NOT A MOM AND I AM NOT PREGNANT.

Whew, that felt good to say out loud. And I didn’t even tear up! Weird, five months ago I don’t think I could have said it without crying.

In addition, I feel good in knowing that this is my life right now. I know that in the last five months, God has used me in ways I never thought possible. I never thought my words could be articulated in a story of hope that would provide comfort for someone else.

I have a sense of peace because I know that I am not (physically) alone in this journey. Though many days it feels like I am the only one who is not a mom and sometimes I feel like I am the only one who cannot get pregnant, I know that is not true. The truth is, there is a community of women out there asking the same questions and crying to God in the same way I have.

But, this is where I will get real with you.

It still isn’t easy.

I still get jealous when a friend announces their pregnancy. I still feel uncomfortable when friends talk about their mommy problems. I still feel like I am the only one in the room who hasn’t received an answer to prayers. And I still feel like I am getting left behind.

When I feel jealous, sad, heartbroken, alone, or hopeless… I still freeze up. I still don’t know how to talk about it and I still don’t know how to be a part of the crowd without being the “elephant in the room.”

But please don’t misinterpret my words because through all the emotions… I am still okay. I am still happy for the miracle you have been blessed with and I still love being with my mommy friends.

I still have hope because I know God is using me during this time.

God is using my writing to provide a community to those who feel alone on this journey. God is using my wisdom to poor into the lives of the next generation. God is using my marriage to be an example of what true love is when you first seek Him and not each other.

And God is using my story as a testament of His unending love because He is the only one getting me through this.

I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called- Ephesians 4:1

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