It has taken almost 2 weeks for me to write the words and share the news on my blog. I’m not sure if posting it on my website is what makes it reality or actually saying the words out loud, but I am reminded that the point of my blog is to share my current infertility journey and I pray that this too, will provide comfort for the woman who is also feeling defeated. So here goes nothing…
It didn’t work.
The fourth IUI procedure did not work and I am not pregnant. I am a little bummed and disappointed but not real sad. Honestly, I am okay.
Many of my friends and family have already asked and to my surprise, I didn’t cry right away in my response and I was actually able to talk about it.
Like always, when day one of my cycle arrived, I got emotional and cried. I felt defeated. I thought about the next procedure and became afraid. I thought about my monthly schedule and the holiday season and worried about the time frame of what this month would bring.
But, I didn’t dwell on it. A little cry session with my husband and I wiped away the tears and popped a Midol because I was okay.
With this feeling of being okay has come understanding. I am starting to understand the life that God has called me to and what it means to have faith. The faith that makes me a believer is what gives me joy. The joy is the many blessings that come from He who lives within me and I wonder often if the journey I am on is all apart of understanding where my joy comes from.
I also wonder if the journey I am on is His way of showing me that His plan is better than I could have ever imagined. Yesterday, today, and tomorrow is all His to give to me and I think about how I have been able share my story with so many readers. I see that this is how He is using me to glorify Him and I have a sense of purpose right now.
Many people have responded to my story with the words, “I know He will give you children in time.” And of course I say, “I know, I believe that too.” But a different thought has come to mind these days… “but what if He doesn’t?”
If I never became a mom, would I still be okay?
A friend shared at our life group the other day about a bible study she did a while back. Long story short, the point was made: the only promise God has made to us is HIS never ending love for us. He doesn’t promise a house, a spouse, a family, children, a job… nothing else. If all we have was stripped from our lives, would we still be okay with knowing that HE loves us?
I have thought about that conversation many times… am I okay with JUST HIS LOVE?
Yes, He hears our prayers and gives answers but that doesn’t mean they are always the answers we want to hear. Lately, I am wondering if the answer to my constant prayer is, “Catherine, I have something better in mind… TRUST ME.”
“The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy; they are established forever and ever, to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness.” – Psalms 111: 8-9