My family, my best friends, my coworkers, the girls in my small group, the lead singer in my favorite band, the female in the popular tv show everyone is watching… all pregnant or recently given birth.
“But it’s that season of your life Catherine, everyone is having babies and getting pregnant.”
Yeah okay, thanks for rubbing it in.
In addition to the pregnancies, comes the gender reveal parties, the baby showers, the talk of baby names, and the relentless prego life conversations. It seems like every conversation with the girls is about their pregnancy, labor, breast-feeding, and/or sleepless nights. I have found myself staying home more often and when I am around these women, I usually do not participate in conversation.
A friend once responded to the announcement of my sister in law’s pregnancy, “So how is Catherine taking it, is she okay?”
I don’t know why, but hearing that made me feel depressed when I was never even upset! I guess saying the words, “I’m so happy for you guys!” isn’t enough excitement these days. If it’s not hard enough comparing myself to all the women who have the privilege to conceive without fertility support, I must convince everyone that I am truly happy for their miracle and not just sad for myself.
So how exactly do I get through this season?
First, I need to tell you how I respond when a friend or an acquaintance announces their pregnancy:
I cry, I cry a lot. The ugly face, snotty nose, can’t catch my breath kind of crying. I go to my husband for comfort and he reminds me of the blessings that will come in God’s time. So, I beg that God will hear my cries and make the pain go away. I ask why her, and not me. I feel defeated, more defeated then when I saw my latest negative pregnancy test. I see another reminder of how I am NOT pregnant yet. I hear my biological clock ticking even louder than it was yesterday and the season before.
I get on my knees and pray. I’m not sure what I am praying for, could be: thank you God for blessing my friend, thank you God for my friendship, please God let me be next. (probably all the above) but I know that praying is what gives me the strength to wipe the tears and look forward.
A special song plays in my head often…..
“Thy will be done… thy will be done… thy will be done. Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is… thy will be done.”
It happens to be a solo song by the female in the band I mentioned earlier. I say it over and over all the time and I listen to it to remind myself of His promise to me.
Knowing that He is in control and He is the only one that can answer my prayers is freeing. I cannot do any more than what I am already doing and I tell myself that multiple times a day. I go to the appointments, I take the medicines, I do the procedures and the rest is in His hands. There is nothing on this earth that I can control and therefore I will not control this part of me. I will not make my current circumstances get the best of me.
To answer the initial question: How do I get through this season?
I pray. I seek comfort in my husband. I cry when I am sad. I show joy to those who have been given the miracle of a child. I go to the baby showers when I feel up to it and I stay home when I don’t. I read scripture often, and I hold tight to His written promises.
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.” – Ecclesiastes 3:1